Almost 4 years later after being diagnosed (3/08)...
I suppose 4 years ago, my mammogram was done and they wanted me to do a repeat and check out a few things...I was without insurance and didn't see the big deal in waiting...oh I had no idea what was in store for me?!
But that was then.
Amazing things are happening to me, now...to my life...for the girls...I can not thank the Lord enough..thanks aren't what He wants though...but to be glorified...as without Him...none of this wonderful life could be taking place. I have an amazing job, coming up on my year anniversary (2/14/11)...a wonderful man has entered my life with his children and together we make 7...time will tell what the future holds...but for today I will soak it up and breathe it all in!!!!
A beautiful day on tap today...took a wonderful walk with my daughter #2 and enjoyed listening to the wind talk to the trees. I am facing a new chapter this year and am loving so many parts of it. We got out yesterday and hit the driving range for opening day at the golf course. It's so nice to be the "customer" now!We definitely had a ton of snow this year with a foot or so falling on April 1st!But it allowed us to ski and skate this year, and I must say the kids did amazingly well! They had never done either sport before and em and el are confident enough on skis to travel all the way to the summit, providing they only follow the green circle trails. We were able to travel to Rangely, ME and went to Saddleback Mountain too...it was a blast as we were able to visit with cousins.
I began a new job back in February which has brought me so much pride. I get to be a community liaison for a health care company which is similar to what I did in my past life before kids and cancer. I am still in my first 90 days and hopefully they keep me ;) It is year round work with benefits and I was able to afford to buy a car of my own for the first time in my life! Past cars were either hand-me-downs from family or company cars. It was very empowering going to negotiate for the "deal" by myself, no man in sight!
I have a great group of friends that come to my home on Mondays to knit and on Wednesdays our local library started a knitting group as well. It is still the best therapy for me and my anxiety! I am knitting a cardigan...it's been ripped out or "frogged" once already, so we will see if I can complete the project. Completion is a goal and I was able to complete many smaller projects for holiday gifts this year...and a few for myself :)
So no longer dating and feeling quite sad about the loss of a dear sweet person in my life...I am charting a new course and determined to keep chugging along and allow my heart to be open to what the Lord presents to me...in HIS time...HE will show me the way.
2011 is off to a great healthy, prosperous year! I have been exposed to the dvd/book "The Secret" and try to live the philosophy...so several years ago I was on the beer cart working Saturday mornings and chanted to myself each shift, "my life is full of prosperity and abundance". Well, I must say...it came true! I challenge you all to try it! Be well dear readers.
Hello...and let me say thank you to anyone that visits me and who puts up with my long absences. My new mission is to LIVE and not loose time anymore doing things that distract me from soaking up all the goodness that the good Lord has offered me. :)
I am well this 2010 as are all my family and friends. I have been disease free for just over 2 years now and still on the Femara, Zometa, and Zoladex. I am showing uncomfortable signs of joint pain...in my feet, hips, elbows and shoulders which gets me down but I take ibuprofen and it seems to help me manage it better. The mornings are the worst. I was able to get a spinal mri recently due to the back pain as Dr Kaufman wanted to make sure the cancer didn't spread to my bones...all they found was Degenerative Disc Disease...oh is that all? You can see how there is white in all the discs except the bottom ones...they are not filled with as much fluid anymore and that is what is causing the pain and the spasms when i twist or lift wrong or too much. I suppose being on my feet all day doesn't help much either. I love seeing what MRI's show... This next picture was taken at a rugby game at NEC during homecoming weekend in October. It was a blast! One of the players actually landed at Emily's feet trying to catch the ball! I got to see a bunch of old friends and had the rare feeling of time travel as I felt like it was 25 years earlier.
The girls are getting so big and life is never boring...Ellie took archery this year and got a bow for Christmas (we got her a right handed one and still need to switch it to a lefty though). Em is now a "working girl" as she does "mother's helper" hours with my next door neighbor. It is such a win-win situation...emily loves feeling needed and the 2 little ones love having her attention. The mom loves being able to fix dinner without little one's distracting her and my other 2 like having some quiet time after school. I'm happy that she is developing positive self esteem and gaining confidence as she grows. I also remember that hard age and liking having other women (other than my mom) to talk to. You can never have too many female role models for young girls! Ellie ran her first 5 k this year and as a matter of fact I participated in a 5k this year too...but walked most of it. We also climbed 2 mountains Kearsarge and Cardigan (I still can't believe I did it!) and did some hiking near Lake Winnepasaukee too! with great friends :) This pic was taken with my phone using a panoramic setting...so cool! I have to say that climbing isn't so much fun...but the view is spectacular! And after that spinal exam...the doctor told me I had to KEEP MOVING! So there you go...more mountains to climb!This one is at Attitash where we went on the alpine slides and the kids got to try rock climbing...even sara did a great job! I was so fortunate to meet up with my internet chemo buddy Sara and her family there and we were able to get to the top together...but then again we aready had. It was such a marvelous metaphor though...it made us both cry...who would have thought we could have been together there...at the top 2 years ago?!?!?! Certainly not us! She told me of her friend that led her to me (well my Etsy shop) that had suddenly passed away earlier that spring...it's hard to imagine the plan that God has for us...how we all touch eachother in ways we sometimes don't even know.
Merry Christmas to you all and a Happy New Year! Blessings, Jodi
Wow...has it been since january since i last posted? I guess it's the ebb and flow of illness...i retreated to a solemn place...a place to let my brain catch up with the world and what became of my body. I nested with my kids all winter as I was laid off and could hold them again...what a joy it is to hold my (now 4 year old) baby!!! For 2 years she couldn't be picked up by me...and now she can...as long as i sit down real fast...she has gotten soooo big!
My weight dropped quite a bit this past winter, down to about 115...but it's July now and I've put 10 lbs back on :)
I'm back at work at the golf course...working over the grill...oh the heat...these 90 degree days are taking their toll. I have less energy but really don't mind too much...it makes me slow down and appreciated the kids more. Those days with sprinklers and slip 'n slide and friends to share them with.
I am attending Soulfest this year with friends...and I am soooooooooooooooo excited! I hope we can make it through the day to see kutless.
This song is awesome! (Find more info about the song and band here) 5. What Faith Can Do Everybody falls sometimes You gotta find the strength to rise From the ashes and make a new beginning Anyone can feel the ache You think it’s more than you can take But you’re stronger, stronger than you know
And don’t you give up now The sun will soon be shining You gotta face the clouds To find the silver lining
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains Hope that doesn’t ever end Even when the sky is falling I’ve seen miracles just happen Silent prayers get answered Broken hearts become brand new That’s what faith can do
It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard Impossible is not a word It’s just a reason for someone not to try Everybody’s scared to death You may decide to take that step Out on the water But it’ll be all right
Life is so much more Than what your eyes are seeing You will find your way If you keep believing
Overcome the odds When you don’t have a chance (That’s what faith can do) When the world says you can’t It will tell you that it can
(Repeat Chorus)
So knitting has slowed down a bit but I will get back to it as the days grow cold again. Now I'm trying to have fun being a craftysoul and practice my golf game. I have been having an awful time with my elbow/arm (left side) and lower back pain. So Dr. Kaufman wants to run some bone scans and an MRI of my spine to rule out bone cancer. He x-rayed the elbow...wish it were something simple...cuz it really hurts...it wakes me up and the numbness does too...will sleep ever just be the wonderful slumber it used to be...ever???
My life is getting along...moving into the next phase of Survivorship...side effects...gratitude and moving on!
Simplifying my life these days...still have aches and twinges, recovery comes slowly...my oncologist might be giving me some different medicine to keep me in menopause as I think my body is coming out of it but other medicine needs me to stay in menopause to work well (taking any medicine daily just sucks)...still have days where i don't want to lift my head off the pillow and face the day...but trying to just take one day at a time...or rather one stitch at a time...also been listening to audio books and Christian radio (air one and local station) just not chatty lately...but thinking it's all part of the journey...
I listened, REALLY listened, to it today on the way home from the oncology appointment...this video could have been better but the ending is good with the words to encourage...but try to not be distracted with the imagery so much...just shut your eyes and listen.
I was discouraged today, not by results, but just the long drive and having to go...i want the chapter to close and put my life back together and find the new normal...i feel kinda like the break dancer that spins on his head in the video...or the girl who throws the piano chair in a fit...each time I go back only to be told...things are fine...or your labs appear fine...is so frustrating...can't i go back to living unaware...checking in once a year? I can see how follow up with cancer survirors is difficult....it wears you out and you feel like what's the point...it (the cancer) is gone...but then another appointment is scheduled and you are reminded of the reality...that it (the cancer) could come back at any point...not that you are supposed to live with that reality...heaven forbid you walk around with a black cloud over your head...positive thoughts will keep it away...right?...living in denial is easier said than done when you are brought back to the smell of the infusion room...I walk by it each time I go to the hospital...it makes me sick to my stomach all over again.
...but doctor kaufman tells me checking my blood work monthly is needed...and how can I be so ungrateful, is impetuous a good word to use?...how can I be so ungracious...last summer I faced chemo...and this summer I don't...that's a good thing...but I guess it's all part of the grieving process we "Survivors" go through...my anger is leaking...
...but better that it get out of me...I surrender...Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done...those words are a hard pill to swallow some days...
So the last few doctor's appointments the nurses have asked me about my pain and fortunately I am not in extreme pain but the expander does make it's presence known. It's a weird lump. I will take motrin as I need it...but who knows, is it because I'm stressed over my life, or doing too much physically? Having an almost 3 year old that head butts you and wants to still be picked up and cuddled daily can't help the discomfort factor either. My whole shoulder aches as does much of my body. I still feel like I'm in slow motion most days. That annoys me big time.
I hate the question though. On a scale of 1-10? What does that mean. Why do I have to classify my pain or my quality of life right now? But I am trying to focus on my life today compared to a year ago...the utter chaos then...not so much fear...not sure if denial is still present, maybe, but fear hasn't really entered my mind much. Thinking about it all, it doesn't seem like it happened to me.
So one year later? I'm doing darn good (reletively speaking)! The Lilacs smelled amazing and the garden is blooming! My expectations have been scaled down quite a bit. I don't expect to live on the Autoban or even the speed lane of the highway anymore like before. Bopping down a country back road is going to have to due. I can't rally the troops and organize big get togethers with my mommy friends...I have all I can do to keep things stable for me and the kids, and keep the house organized. My girl friend asked me how the kids were doing...and I am judging that answer on their school work (whichtheir report cards have been fine) and potty training success (still wearing pull-ups at night) as well as getting along with peers (no major drama).
Creativity still carries me through most days. My mom wanted me to make her a purse once she saw my tote. She did the knitting and then I helped with the felting, lining and design of the iris. I have included the inspiration from my garden.
So I'm glad to have posted...sorry to be so quiet...but like I said...it's like slow motion over here and most days I just let it flow and try not to get all frustrated with myself. Live and Let God. I will try. Blessings to you all.
Here is the final image of the "Save the Date" card for Survivor's Day :)
In some ways I'm so proud to be a part of this event and in other ways I wish I never was a part of this "club" But... Gratitude to the Lord should overcome all other feelings...as it will bring me through.
This ringtone cracks me up! click on the orange arrow. Positive metal attitude includes smiling every day...have fun! Create free ringtones at Phonezoo
I offered my wall hanging for the event too...i hope they accept it...I would be so honored. I did all my radiation treatments here and they were excellent. I also adore Lisa from the Payson Center support services too. She was a true comfort during some difficult days.
This is Koryn's story...a fellow etsymom and breast cancer survivor. She had her mastectomy the day after me but we've been crafters together through the internet and etsy community. We have walked together through much of recovery this fall. I applaud her courage to be video taped and share her story. Her blog can be found at Mother's Precious Gems.
I hope you also enjoy her story...with God all things are possible. blessings, Jodi
This is from the Courage to Change book for February 16th...it totally speaks to me today.
"We move from being at the mercy of any problem that comes along to an inner certainty that no matter what happens in our lives, we will be able to face it, deal with it and learn from it with the help of our Higher Power."
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.'
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?'
The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'
Thanks to my friend for sending this to me in an email...it is so simple yet so profound at the same time.
My grandmother died this past weekend...I got to see her on Saturday and spend the afternoon with her going in and out of consciousness. It was heartwarming to see her become alert with her son's voices as they said her name and called out to her. I couldn't help but think of when this moment will happen in my life...when my children will be by my side saying good bye to me...I can only pray that I live to be 96 like Nana Kitty did. She was not in any pain nor distress, she looked very much at peace. It was quite an honor to be witness to the end of her life. She definitely fed the good wolf!
I have not been much up to writing here lately...sorry to be quiet...maybe it's that treatment is over...maybe it's the short days of winter...maybe it's the running around after a toddler all day long...i don't quite know. I'm trying to prioritize my tasks and hug the kids more. I'm trying to be less irritable and more patient. Most days are long and I am happy to lay down at night...though it's never alone for very long.
Sara got her hair cut...oh she looks like such a big girl now...so much of her young life has been wished away...I hope I can make it up to her someday. She sits in my lap now...I need to wrap this up...but know the suport you all have given to me is cherished daily.
So here I am, the new wigless me...hair is growing back and i'm wearing my favorite sweater...i'm always so cold. I think I might like the hair-do better if it were warmer. I never want to be bald again...EVER, EVER, EVER!!!
I am so darn tired...I thought I was tired before radiation started...well, this is "can't pick your head up off the back of the couch tired". I keep my happy face on for the kids...but it's very draining. I feel heavy and just going through the motions most days. Plus I got a horrible cold this week.
I want my enthusiasm for life back...i miss that about myself. But this is my journey...I am following God's lead.
I found a new favorite breakfast to eat, the nutritionist recommended it...vanilla yogurt, blueberries and walnuts...oh it's sooooo yummy...every calorie counts and I'm trying to drink ensure during the days too to add more calories to my diet.
I go to see the oncologist on Thursday and hopefully will hear all about my upcoming year of treatment...oral meds or whatever cancer patients do after the big guns of chemo, surgery and radiation.
I heard from a fellow survivor last week that her cancer is back after 4 years...it totally makes me nervous...how long do I have? will the cancer ever come back...??? I know I need to get to 2 years, then 5 and it's 50-50 of getting to 10 years without a recurrence ...Sara will only be 12 and em will be almost 19, ellie 17...they will still have so much life ahead of them...ellie and I have a thing...she says "99" and I say "66" that's how old I will be when she is 66...oh the stories I will tell when I'm 99...I hope they make my hair curl!!!
I am so grateful to all my family and friends for being so supportive...it's so necessary when you go through this disease to have cheerleaders on the side lines...some days it's hard to remember who you used to be.
Oh my skin is itchy...time to take some more zyrtec (radiation causes your skin to burn and itch horribly). The kids are playing pet shop and it's almost time to do reading and hit the pillow...last night we had everyone in bed by 7:30!!! Really, lights out...it was awesome...except I tried a night without my sleeping pill and I was up every 2 hours....but I was able to go back to sleep!!! I consider that a success!
I haven't fallen off the earth...although I've had moments when I wish I could. Well...maybe just crawl into a hole for a few days...
Storms, cold temperatures, kids being on vacation for 2 weeks, a toddler with a horrible cold, holidays and daily radiation have kept me away from cyberspace. I also hate to post without a picture...so here is my image today...it represents my state of mind and body...cold and vacantwhat an amazing visual design?!?!?...a play of light and dark....it's hard to tell how deep the cover of snow is...a thin crust of ice get's formed on top...
We as people do this...cover our true selves up and then develop thick crusts to protect our tender hearts. Our humanness often blows with the wind and our moods, tricking others into seeing what is and is not there.
I am comforted by the Hebrews passage, "what cannot be shaken may remain" (Hebrews 12:27). I want to be steadfast in my faith...choosing forgiveness and seeing what the eyes cannot see, choosing to find the light...but knowing that with the Grace of Christ Jesus all will be worked out.
I do struggle with patience though. *sigh*
Here is a pic of the kids on Christmas :)And here is a pic of Sara with her new AG Julie doll...in her custom boutique made to match Gymboree doll clothes from MaPetiteChou.com
She loves being "same-same" with her doll!Too cute! And the fact that Julie has butterfly underwear is actually jump starting her potty training again...hooray!
I'm going to try to get a picture of me and my "long" hair...it's about 1/2" to 1" long now...
radiation has me exhausted but thanks to my church's meals ministry I am able to eat good healthy meals with the kids through the week. It's a wonderful gift these meals...I'm down to 115 pounds now and want to stop loosing weight and maybe try to put some pounds back on.
My skin is irritated, itchy and very sore...2 1/2 more weeks to go of daily treatments...then time to heal...and breath a sigh of relief that most of the treatment is over.
May the strength of Jesus help you all through your struggles...I say with confidence that He is my savior, God bless.
May jolly St. Nick fill your stockings to the brim :) I am filled this year with the Holy Spirit and am so grateful for Jesus Christ and hope to be a better instrument of His word into 2009.
Blessings to you. (12 radiation treatments down 16 to go.)
I was feeling really weary last night and then after picking up the kids from an activity I realized my gas tank was reading ZERO miles till Empty....oh my gosh...just a few minutes earlier it read 43 miles to Empty...what happened???!?!?!?!?...I only went a few miles away from the house....so after i panicked and had a cry...I tried my new meditation tape to try to refocus myself...
In the light of day I realize that many people offered to help and ultimately someone came to my rescue. Today was radiation treatment #8 out of 28. I read the Bible this morning and was captured by this passage from Romans:
May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:5-6, 13
I am encouraged by those words and will focus myself on endurance and hope today despite feeling my own personal fuel tank feels like it's on on Empty.
"I've come to believe that each of us has a personal calling that's as unique as a fingerprint - and that the best way to succeed is to discover what you love and then find a way to offer it to others in the form of service, working hard, and also allowing the energy of the universe to lead you." - Oprah Winfrey
This rock is kinda like life...you've got to imagine the possibilities!
