Still knitting for sanity

Simplifying my life these days...still have aches and twinges, recovery comes slowly...my oncologist might be giving me some different medicine to keep me in menopause as I think my body is coming out of it but other medicine needs me to stay in menopause to work well (taking any medicine daily just sucks)...still have days where i don't want to lift my head off the pillow and face the day...but trying to just take one day at a time...or rather one stitch at a time...also been listening to audio books and Christian radio (air one and local station)
just not chatty lately...but thinking it's all part of the journey...

Blessings to you all....Happy New Year

Recon tomorrow...yikes

Sorry for being so quiet...this summer was so busy with working, kids, babysitters...driving...making french fries...ahhh it will be good to get a break.

Well kinda...I finished working 2 days ago but today is my only day to get it all together as tomorrow i go for more surgery.

Reconstruction.
I have been saying...they are going to be putting me back together. Am I nervous? I haven't had time to absorb it all...but a year from now I'll be happy it's over. Denial is a powerful defense mechanism isn't it?

I have been knitting...and felting...this one was for my friend Gina...a tote in green and purple...i like the geometric pattern that I added to it...i've been finding much pleasure in the redundancy of knitting...it's been rhythmic and meditative...very healing...it's been forcing me to sit with the silence and manage the anxiety one stitch at a time. My mind races and I get distracted so easily. My memory isn't good...so this really helped me to focus on a task.

I've been listening to Christian radio daily and listening to Contemporary Christian music...my favorite is Fernando Ortega...these have helped me immensely! My personal relationship with Jesus is growing...which has given me such comfort this year.

This winter I will try to post more...but please don't forget that life happens...I'm just trying to stay afloat.
May your day be filled with peace, joy and the light of Christ.

Sunshine ahead! Bring it on!

Yesterday was 90 degrees outside and I returned home from work by about 3 ish. It was hot...it felt good...but then a hot flash hit and total lack of appetite had distracted my attention. Anyway I managed to drink 2 ensure shakes and have a little bit of pasta. Thank you so much Christina for caring for my kids while I am working this summer. She is amazing to come to my house at 6:30 am for me to get to work by 7.

I was on the beer cart at the golf course for most of my shift...it was comical...the breaks don't work on the cart that well and it kept stalling. I had no sunscreen (I know, I know...i will get some today) and was afraid I would be slow counting the money. All in all it was a learning experience and I didn't end up in a water hazard :)

This past week was school vacation and I felt like everyday was a never ending task list of driving the kids to babysitters and back to the club. We did manage to get them swimming twice (thank you Kim and Christina) and Emily played 18 holes with my mom on Friday. The weather will be nicer each week now so Ellie is desperate to play too. I actually got to play a week ago while the kids were at my in-laws. 7 holes anyway...about 8 whifs...but I was focusing on making contact with the ball and I was proud of my accomplishment. My left arm was sooooo sore though...i suppose it's good PT after the surgery.

I love the sunshine...i just want to drink it up...feel the heat on my body and let go of feeling frail and chilled to the bone all the time. That's all I have for an update...sorry it's on the fly but the kids are all waking up for the full day ahead and I can't be distracted. TTFN. Blessings to you all.

Meet my friend Koryn

This is Koryn's story...a fellow etsymom and breast cancer survivor. She had her mastectomy the day after me but we've been crafters together through the internet and etsy community. We have walked together through much of recovery this fall. I applaud her courage to be video taped and share her story. Her blog can be found at Mother's Precious Gems.

I hope you also enjoy her story...with God all things are possible.
blessings, Jodi

Rescue Me

This song gives me hope today...I heard it in the car yesterday...take a pause in your day and listen and feel His Grace.

Wigless

So here I am, the new wigless me...hair is growing back and i'm wearing my favorite sweater...i'm always so cold. I think I might like the hair-do better if it were warmer.
I never want to be bald again...EVER, EVER, EVER!!!

I am so darn tired...I thought I was tired before radiation started...well, this is "can't pick your head up off the back of the couch tired". I keep my happy face on for the kids...but it's very draining. I feel heavy and just going through the motions most days. Plus I got a horrible cold this week.

I want my enthusiasm for life back...i miss that about myself. But this is my journey...I am following God's lead.

I found a new favorite breakfast to eat, the nutritionist recommended it...vanilla yogurt, blueberries and walnuts...oh it's sooooo yummy...every calorie counts and I'm trying to drink ensure during the days too to add more calories to my diet.

I go to see the oncologist on Thursday and hopefully will hear all about my upcoming year of treatment...oral meds or whatever cancer patients do after the big guns of chemo, surgery and radiation.

I heard from a fellow survivor last week that her cancer is back after 4 years...it totally makes me nervous...how long do I have? will the cancer ever come back...??? I know I need to get to 2 years, then 5 and it's 50-50 of getting to 10 years without a recurrence ...Sara will only be 12 and em will be almost 19, ellie 17...they will still have so much life ahead of them...ellie and I have a thing...she says "99" and I say "66" that's how old I will be when she is 66...oh the stories I will tell when I'm 99...I hope they make my hair curl!!!

I am so grateful to all my family and friends for being so supportive...it's so necessary when you go through this disease to have cheerleaders on the side lines...some days it's hard to remember who you used to be.

Oh my skin is itchy...time to take some more zyrtec (radiation causes your skin to burn and itch horribly). The kids are playing pet shop and it's almost time to do reading and hit the pillow...last night we had everyone in bed by 7:30!!! Really, lights out...it was awesome...except I tried a night without my sleeping pill and I was up every 2 hours....but I was able to go back to sleep!!! I consider that a success!

Blessings!

What cannot be shaken may remain - Hebrews 12:27

I haven't fallen off the earth...although I've had moments when I wish I could. Well...maybe just crawl into a hole for a few days...

Storms, cold temperatures, kids being on vacation for 2 weeks, a toddler with a horrible cold, holidays and daily radiation have kept me away from cyberspace. I also hate to post without a picture...so here is my image today...it represents my state of mind and body...cold and vacantwhat an amazing visual design?!?!?...a play of light and dark....it's hard to tell how deep the cover of snow is...a thin crust of ice get's formed on top...

We as people do this...cover our true selves up and then develop thick crusts to protect our tender hearts. Our humanness often blows with the wind and our moods, tricking others into seeing what is and is not there.

I am comforted by the Hebrews passage, "what cannot be shaken may remain" (Hebrews 12:27). I want to be steadfast in my faith...choosing forgiveness and seeing what the eyes cannot see, choosing to find the light...but knowing that with the Grace of Christ Jesus all will be worked out.

I do struggle with patience though. *sigh*

Here is a pic of the kids on Christmas :)And here is a pic of Sara with her new AG Julie doll...in her custom boutique made to match Gymboree doll clothes from MaPetiteChou.com

She loves being "same-same" with her doll!Too cute!
And the fact that Julie has butterfly underwear is actually jump starting her potty training again...hooray!

I'm going to try to get a picture of me and my "long" hair...it's about 1/2" to 1" long now...

radiation has me exhausted but thanks to my church's meals ministry I am able to eat good healthy meals with the kids through the week. It's a wonderful gift these meals...I'm down to 115 pounds now and want to stop loosing weight and maybe try to put some pounds back on.

My skin is irritated, itchy and very sore...2 1/2 more weeks to go of daily treatments...then time to heal...and breath a sigh of relief that most of the treatment is over.

May the strength of Jesus help you all through your struggles...I say with confidence that He is my savior, God bless.

Read about my original diagnosis here.

Read about Art Therapy and how my children and I have managed Cancer in a past post here.

Winter, too, shall pass

I was struck by an empty field on my way to my radiation simulation yesterday. I feel like these dormant branches...suspended in time, frozen by fears...the cold has set in in NH and the sun grows dim. I feel like crawling into a hole most days. I see moms holiday shopping with their kids as I go to pick up prescriptions and they give me a look and acknowledge my head scarf...then quickly turn away. Some women have looked me straight in the eye and wished me luck...it's very strange, watching people react to me. But most days I avoid looking at myself too.

I am down to 117 pounds. I'm not trying to loose weight but nothing appeals to me. Cooking is a chore or makes me nauseous. I don't enjoy eating at all. But I do try to prepare something for the kids and I manage to eat a little in front of them. Look at these suspended dried up flower/seed pods. I feel dried up too. My skin is flaky, my hair is just growing back...but my body reflects winter much more than spring...I look forward to the spring of next year...
HOPE.

Radiation starts December 10th (5 days a week for 6 weeks). I got my tattoos done yesterday. Laying on the table for over an hour was very emotional. I was stretched out with my arms over my head...topless...and tears were streaming down my face...the technician came to me and wiped my tears and told me to try to be still and not move...my mind was flooded with thoughts...reality of this past year.

It's Christmastime...and my birthday is this weekend...and my gift to myself is barely a 1/4 inch of hair on my head...my gift is life...cancer free...but in constant fear it might come back. Emily (8 1/2) has asked me several times..."Mommy, are you going to die?" I always assured her I wouldn't...but looking over the past several months...i really could have.

I took the picture of the clouds as I got back into my car after my simulation appointment. My head is in the clouds most days lately.

I then proceeded to drive past the hospice that is part of the hospital. I thanked God that the girls do not understand that word. "Hospice". I'm alive, I'm healing, I will be better soon. Thank you Jesus for carrying me these last few months, shielding my mind from the anguish of cancer. This is just a spell...a brief blip in the life of me...I'm going to be ok. God has a plan and it's His will, not mine. It's a relief to be able to let go.

Read about my original diagnosis here.

Read about Art Therapy and how me and my children have managed Cancer here.

Art Therapy: Special healing for kids facing cancer in a parent.

So for those of you that don't know, I'm an art therapist, I got my master's training at Eastern Virginia Medical School and although I'm not working as one right now, I am glad to have the training through my cancer journey as it has helped my kids cope.

Here are some ways that you can help children express themselves when faced with cancer in the family.

***Encourage them to talk, dedicate time to each child if there are multiple siblings...but we know some kids are too little to verbalize their feelings or sometimes older children are afraid to express negative emotions (like anger) for fear of disappointing a parent that has often told them to go to "time out" to pull it together. Creative expression is FREE of guilt, it's a POSITIVE way to sublimate all feelings and it's SAFE for the child and not so scary to put feelings on paper or manipulate clay. Try to look at the creative process as Active Mastery over an unknown...they can play and give words to characters...the characters can say and feel what they can not.

Body tracing was a successful project that we ended up bringing into a therapy session. The kids have seen a therapist for a few weeks now and I am relieved to have him work with them through this difficult time.

We took mural paper (but you could also tape paper together), I laid down on top of it, and each of them traced my body. Then they each had a life size version of "mommy" to work on and help heal. This project was done prior to my surgery as the therapist and I both thought that anxiety was building in them and a sense of lack of control. So this one (above) was done by my 8 year old...it's the "inside of mommy". She made sure to add the chemo/medicine (yellow) that is still fighting the cancer and my blood (red) that carries it throughout my body. And the Cancer (blue) that has yet to be removed in surgery. She made a key just in case we were confused. She was able to demonstrate in increase in control over her mural despite lack of control on a daily basis.
This next body tracing is by my middle daughter she is almost 7 and in first grade.

She wanted to focus on my "skeleton" and she showed my blood flowing by encapsulating the drawing in a thick outline of red. Interesting to note, she added an umbilical cord in my "tummy" and she made a point of referring to that part of my anatomy as where she came from. She even wanted to sit inside the "tummy" for this picture.

We brought the murals into a therapy session and it was wonderful for mommy not to be the therapist but allow the kids to share with another adult their images. He encouraged them to add more to the images and they drew and cut colors (construction paper) and made shapes, glued and pasted. What warmed my heart most was when they traced their hands and then cut and glued them onto my chest...it was their way of laying hands on me and helping be heal.

In past posts I have shared images of the dolls we have made. Here is another picture of the medicine/angel and cancer/monster dolls...can you tell which is which? Emily had fun holding the cancer doll by the hair in a disrespectful way...again showing domination over the disease and letting it know who was in control. She is even showing in her expression that sense of control...such sass!!! It is great for her to give it to a doll instead of mommy...*grin*.

Ellie has made a story with a beginning, middle and end for the dolls to act out. We have actually tried to act it out on video too...but we agreed that we weren't loud enough and we needed a script to follow a little bit. The story starts by the character on the right singing at a microphone and the "monster" sneaking up behind her. The "angel" sees this and...
with all her power and faith (medicine/chemo) shrinks the "monster" so it isn't so destructive...After the "cancer" looses it's power it transforms into "color girl" and helps make rainbows for the world.

It's important to note that with school age children dealing with cancer in a parent can be quite traumatizing. Emily has asked me several times if I am going to die. Don't underestimate the thoughts that are going through their minds. We have chosen to share the diagnosis and treatment with the kids to a degree that they are able to understand it. Using art and creative activities has helped them sort out the huge emotions that come with a mom being sick. Children who are unable to express themselves can often exhibit difficulties in school and can have difficulty concentrating in class. Children who are younger can even demonstrate regression to earlier stages of development as a way of expressing their inner world of confusion as to why mommy is so distracted. My youngest was just starting to use the potty but she has slowed way down in using it on a daily basis. But she is able to scribble and draw and express herself each day.

Whether a child draws a story, writes a story, makes a doll (with clay or fabric) or manipulates a body tracing....artistic outlets help kids express their inner turmoil. Cancer is a big deal to anyone, but helping give a child tools to master it and feel like they have some say in what's happening is very empowering and will help them through a difficult time in their childhood. I have seen first hand how my kids have benefited from art therapy. I hope sharing this helps others somehow too.

Drain Free

I say those words but sing it to the song "Born Free" do you know that song? Here's a blast from the past for ya..


I always loved that song...but I digress...

I got my drains out today...so glad too because it was painful (I yelled really loud in the exam room that another nurse came into help, squeaky wheel gets the grease right?) and there's no telling how much more the skin would have secured itself to the tubing by Thursday...i know it's really gross...sorry, but cancer isn't pleasant....I'm having a hot flash while i write this...those haven't seemed to go away either...::sigh::

one more hurdle down though, onward and upwards! (I added the picture of the turtle for that symbol of perseverance...wish the turtle was facing towards the right though...well, i know I'm moving forward and not backwards.)

... friends are still coming to visit me, each one is an angel, and today a dear friend called first and we decided together that she didn't need to come as I was at the doctors and went to lunch with my dad...so i just wanted to rest for the afternoon....what a gift...to offer to not come by...if you are reading this and you are a friend of someone recovering from a cancer surgery, sometimes we need a break and also need to sit with our thoughts...it's ok...it's even healthy for us to sort through our emotions...my dad came back later with the kids which was really nice too...

Tomorrow I get to have dd#2 all to myself after school...she is going to sleep over...she's almost 7 and can help me make an easy supper and we are going to work on her turkey that she needs to do for school...it's a tag board image that we have to glue beans/pasta/rice to....it will be nice to do with just her and no one else...she's excited too. :)

So that's the update...radiation is the next big thing and physical therapy....the saga will continue...but just imagine...a year from now it will all be a memory....yae!

Totally a work in progress...still!

So here is my wall hanging so far...it's quilted, and embellished but needs a binding, more beading and free hand painting or rubber stamped texture/words to express even more depth of what i was trying to convey. Faith, Believing in the Father, Surrendering to the Holy Spirit in ALL things. To firmly grasp your roots and hang on for dear life, to drink from the puddles that come forth from the rain of God. Let the rain fill your soul with mercy and humility. Surrender to a place of safety and tolerance where one can heal and then re-emmerge to be who they are destined to be, to be who I am destined to be. To be who God intended you to be so that you may indeed help others along their journey. I so hope to pay all this forward some day soon!here is the old and the new MRI's side by side. The MRI on the left side of the picture is the old one from april...you can see the white contrast material is on the right breast, this is the 3+ inch tumor.

Now, you must take a moment to understand that it takes a tumor 10 years to reach 1 cm....mine was over 8!!!...the right image is the MRI taken after the 6 cycles of chemotherapy. The mass is clearly gone and the lymph nodes are all but non exisitant. I still needed the surgery but now surgery should be less messy and less intensive to remove the tumor/mass from my left breast.

So surgery yesterday was far easier...they did do a radical mastectomy and removed 2 levels of lymph nodes. They put in the expander for future reconstruction and added 250 cc of saline to it. another 100 cc of saline will be added next week. I'm lopsided, sore, and very out of it. Here are some more pics of my team...

Dr kaufman, my oncologist, this was taken right before discharge...i look like hell warmed over!Now here is my surgeon, Dr. Rosenkranz...she looks and is like someone that I could go have cocktails with. She's bubbly and straight forward. She is very sharp in her understanding of the disease but treats me like an individual which is priceless!Here is Dr. Collins, she is my plastic surgeon...she will now be the one taking over my care along with her entourage...all those residents that follow behind her coat tails. She is the one that calmed my nerves about having a double vs. a single mastectomy. She said, once it's gone, it's gone...you will be monitored and scanned so much to look for any new abnormalities, but rushing to do a double mastectomy under stress isn't smart. So I agreed. She's so wonderful to give me the gift of time. She also removed a small cyst from my left jawline.

Here is me with my folks, Bill and Sandy...they were with me through it all...that's what parents do, God bless them and their determiation...oh my goshums...my girls better not ever put me through all what I have put them through...but come hell or high water...i will be right by their side through it all.From the bottom of my heart, thank you to my family, friends, doctors and everyone inbetween that prayed for me and held my hand and made sure i didn't miss a meal :) You all know who you are....and it really does take a village...

I feel like i can say that I am moving along in this journey with new courage and new stamina as well as a new quest for who I am going to become. With the Lord as my shepherd, I will surely find my way! Blessings to you all.

Gratefulness by Bother David

Wow...this is all i can say...the video says the rest!
Thanks Koryn of the Taffy Box for sending it to me...We are EtsyMoms together and now survivors together...her surgery is the day after mine...God works in wonderful ways to bring people together...don't 'cha think?
see her blog where she too writes about her journey through breast cancer here
http://MothersPreciousGems.wordpress.com

Radiology Report 9/24/08

Just wanted to share my most recent radiology report (MRI) post chemotherapy. Keep in mind I am diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast cancer due to the over 3" size of my tumor and due to 3 lymph nodes being enlarged or having cancer cells found in them after biopsy.
See old MRI picture here...just click on this sentence.

I quote the report...
Comments:
Compared to previous MRI of 4/28/08 there is dramatic improvement in the size and intensity of enhancement of the patient's known locally advanced breast cancer. There is only minimal residual patchy enhancement in the lateral and upper, outer left breast and improvement in the kinetics of enhancement as well.

Previously noted enlarged left axillary nodes have resolved.

the doctor said it's hard to measure now but the radiology tech told me on the phone it went from about 8 cm to 2.8 cm....THAT'S AMAZING to me!!!

My adjuvant chemo regime was TAC
Taxotere, Adriamycin, and Cytoxan
Taxotere is a drug that's [FDA] approved for use as a second-line agent in advanced or metastatic breast cancer

Wow...MY NODES HAVE RESOLVED!!! DRAMATIC IMPROVEMENT!!!! Surgury will stink but I am on the road to life!!! And I give my savior Jesus Christ full credit for my wonderful response to treatment...with all the stress going on in my life, kids, work, separation...bla, bla, bla, The Lord has had mercy on my soul and needs me to do more work here on earth!
Blessings to all!

PS~ I intend to get a picture but the computers were down last week when i met with my oncologist...will still work on getting the picture.

Here is the link to the post where both MRI images are shown side by side.

I am not my hair

sorry I am not my hair is unavailable...click here to hear the remix version that I don't like as much, but here is another song by India Arie that is also uplifting

It's time for me to SHINE!

Alicia Keys
The Thing About Love
Love the Lord, Love yourself, Love your kids, family and friends...
Love those that don't love you...
Love those that don't know how to show their love to you.
Just LOVE life...as Life is so short.
Enjoy.

Cure for FREE!

Hey Free is good but CURE is better...
http://www.curetoday.com/
this subscription link was sent to me from a friend of a friend...but it's free and chock full of great stuff...be well my friends...be well.

Oprah and Christina Applegate speak out about Breast Cancer for all women!!!

Wow, I don't always catch it...but Oprah is on right now...Christina Applegate is talking about her experience with being genetically positive for the breast cancer gene, as well as her double mastectomy.

Here's a link to the Q&A after the show with Christina's oncologist.

Check out Oprah.com for more links...but the bottom line...get your mamogram starting at age 35...Crap...wish my doctor told me I could have done that...i thought I had to wait till i was 40. Find out if there is a family history...that didn't do me much good as I am adopted...but if anyone in the family has it...don't blink...call and get a baseline! If you have dense breasts...yup, have those...then you probably need an MRI as a mamogram might not be sufficient to identify the cancer.

My cancer has been a blessing and a gift from God...but I don't want anyone else to have this gift...it's a hard gift to accept some days when you are a mom to 3 small kids trying to do it all.

Blessings to you all!

Say...John Meyer from the Bucket List

This was a great movie...i recommend others to see it!
blessings.

Cancer Free...is it possible???

Ok, so this week has been a real kick in the face with the surgery date now set....but went to see the surgeons yesterday...and although i'm sooooooooooooooo tired today...they said that by October 28th, i'll be cancer free...

COOL BEANS!!!
It's the best news in a long time!!!
Peace!
I won't think about the disfigurement, pain, physical therapy or radiation this week...la, la, la.

The Invitation...sent to me by an old friend

Ahh Cyn, to be so far away from you...alas, time and being busy has filled in the gaps...but we share so many memories, you are my oldest friend...did you know that?...how sweet of you to send this poem...and now I too can share with others...it's very moving...grab a tissue! Oh and maybe next year we can try camping and reconnect!?!?!?!

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dreams for the adventure of being alive. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful be realistic to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes." It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. © 1995 by Oriah House, From "Dreams Of Desire" Published by Mountain Dreaming, 300 Coxwell Avenue, Box 22546, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4L 2A0 Please click here for more information about Oriah's book.