June 15, 2009

Then you "stand" by rascal flatts

Love, Love, Love this song by rascal flatts...

I listened, REALLY listened, to it today on the way home from the oncology appointment...this video could have been better but the ending is good with the words to encourage...but try to not be distracted with the imagery so much...just shut your eyes and listen.

I was discouraged today, not by results, but just the long drive and having to go...i want the chapter to close and put my life back together and find the new normal...i feel kinda like the break dancer that spins on his head in the video...or the girl who throws the piano chair in a fit...each time I go back only to be told...things are fine...or your labs appear fine...is so frustrating...can't i go back to living unaware...checking in once a year? I can see how follow up with cancer survirors is difficult....it wears you out and you feel like what's the point...it (the cancer) is gone...but then another appointment is scheduled and you are reminded of the reality...that it (the cancer) could come back at any point...not that you are supposed to live with that reality...heaven forbid you walk around with a black cloud over your head...positive thoughts will keep it away...right?...living in denial is easier said than done when you are brought back to the smell of the infusion room...I walk by it each time I go to the hospital...it makes me sick to my stomach all over again.

...but doctor kaufman tells me checking my blood work monthly is needed...and how can I be so ungrateful, is impetuous a good word to use?...how can I be so ungracious...last summer I faced chemo...and this summer I don't...that's a good thing...but I guess it's all part of the grieving process we "Survivors" go through...my anger is leaking...

...but better that it get out of me...I surrender...Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done...those words are a hard pill to swallow some days...

enjoy the song...blessings, Jodi

June 3, 2009

On a scale of 1-10

So the last few doctor's appointments the nurses have asked me about my pain and fortunately I am not in extreme pain but the expander does make it's presence known. It's a weird lump. I will take motrin as I need it...but who knows, is it because I'm stressed over my life, or doing too much physically? Having an almost 3 year old that head butts you and wants to still be picked up and cuddled daily can't help the discomfort factor either. My whole shoulder aches as does much of my body. I still feel like I'm in slow motion most days. That annoys me big time.

I hate the question though. On a scale of 1-10? What does that mean. Why do I have to classify my pain or my quality of life right now?

But I am trying to focus on my life today compared to a year ago...the utter chaos then...not so much fear...not sure if denial is still present, maybe, but fear hasn't really entered my mind much. Thinking about it all, it doesn't seem like it happened to me.

So one year later? I'm doing darn good (reletively speaking)! The Lilacs smelled amazing and the garden is blooming! My expectations have been scaled down quite a bit. I don't expect to live on the Autoban or even the speed lane of the highway anymore like before. Bopping down a country back road is going to have to due. I can't rally the troops and organize big get togethers with my mommy friends...I have all I can do to keep things stable for me and the kids, and keep the house organized. My girl friend asked me how the kids were doing...and I am judging that answer on their school work (whichtheir report cards have been fine) and potty training success (still wearing pull-ups at night) as well as getting along with peers (no major drama).

Creativity still carries me through most days. My mom wanted me to make her a purse once she saw my tote. She did the knitting and then I helped with the felting, lining and design of the iris. I have included the inspiration from my garden.

So I'm glad to have posted...sorry to be so quiet...but like I said...it's like slow motion over here and most days I just let it flow and try not to get all frustrated with myself.
Live and Let God.
I will try.
Blessings to you all.