Recon tomorrow...yikes

Sorry for being so quiet...this summer was so busy with working, kids, babysitters...driving...making french fries...ahhh it will be good to get a break.

Well kinda...I finished working 2 days ago but today is my only day to get it all together as tomorrow i go for more surgery.

Reconstruction.
I have been saying...they are going to be putting me back together. Am I nervous? I haven't had time to absorb it all...but a year from now I'll be happy it's over. Denial is a powerful defense mechanism isn't it?

I have been knitting...and felting...this one was for my friend Gina...a tote in green and purple...i like the geometric pattern that I added to it...i've been finding much pleasure in the redundancy of knitting...it's been rhythmic and meditative...very healing...it's been forcing me to sit with the silence and manage the anxiety one stitch at a time. My mind races and I get distracted so easily. My memory isn't good...so this really helped me to focus on a task.

I've been listening to Christian radio daily and listening to Contemporary Christian music...my favorite is Fernando Ortega...these have helped me immensely! My personal relationship with Jesus is growing...which has given me such comfort this year.

This winter I will try to post more...but please don't forget that life happens...I'm just trying to stay afloat.
May your day be filled with peace, joy and the light of Christ.

Then you "stand" by rascal flatts

Love, Love, Love this song by rascal flatts...

I listened, REALLY listened, to it today on the way home from the oncology appointment...this video could have been better but the ending is good with the words to encourage...but try to not be distracted with the imagery so much...just shut your eyes and listen.

I was discouraged today, not by results, but just the long drive and having to go...i want the chapter to close and put my life back together and find the new normal...i feel kinda like the break dancer that spins on his head in the video...or the girl who throws the piano chair in a fit...each time I go back only to be told...things are fine...or your labs appear fine...is so frustrating...can't i go back to living unaware...checking in once a year? I can see how follow up with cancer survirors is difficult....it wears you out and you feel like what's the point...it (the cancer) is gone...but then another appointment is scheduled and you are reminded of the reality...that it (the cancer) could come back at any point...not that you are supposed to live with that reality...heaven forbid you walk around with a black cloud over your head...positive thoughts will keep it away...right?...living in denial is easier said than done when you are brought back to the smell of the infusion room...I walk by it each time I go to the hospital...it makes me sick to my stomach all over again.

...but doctor kaufman tells me checking my blood work monthly is needed...and how can I be so ungrateful, is impetuous a good word to use?...how can I be so ungracious...last summer I faced chemo...and this summer I don't...that's a good thing...but I guess it's all part of the grieving process we "Survivors" go through...my anger is leaking...

...but better that it get out of me...I surrender...Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done...those words are a hard pill to swallow some days...

enjoy the song...blessings, Jodi

On a scale of 1-10

So the last few doctor's appointments the nurses have asked me about my pain and fortunately I am not in extreme pain but the expander does make it's presence known. It's a weird lump. I will take motrin as I need it...but who knows, is it because I'm stressed over my life, or doing too much physically? Having an almost 3 year old that head butts you and wants to still be picked up and cuddled daily can't help the discomfort factor either. My whole shoulder aches as does much of my body. I still feel like I'm in slow motion most days. That annoys me big time.

I hate the question though. On a scale of 1-10? What does that mean. Why do I have to classify my pain or my quality of life right now?

But I am trying to focus on my life today compared to a year ago...the utter chaos then...not so much fear...not sure if denial is still present, maybe, but fear hasn't really entered my mind much. Thinking about it all, it doesn't seem like it happened to me.

So one year later? I'm doing darn good (reletively speaking)! The Lilacs smelled amazing and the garden is blooming! My expectations have been scaled down quite a bit. I don't expect to live on the Autoban or even the speed lane of the highway anymore like before. Bopping down a country back road is going to have to due. I can't rally the troops and organize big get togethers with my mommy friends...I have all I can do to keep things stable for me and the kids, and keep the house organized. My girl friend asked me how the kids were doing...and I am judging that answer on their school work (whichtheir report cards have been fine) and potty training success (still wearing pull-ups at night) as well as getting along with peers (no major drama).

Creativity still carries me through most days. My mom wanted me to make her a purse once she saw my tote. She did the knitting and then I helped with the felting, lining and design of the iris. I have included the inspiration from my garden.

So I'm glad to have posted...sorry to be so quiet...but like I said...it's like slow motion over here and most days I just let it flow and try not to get all frustrated with myself.
Live and Let God.
I will try.
Blessings to you all.

Survivor Day is every day

Here is the final image of the "Save the Date" card for Survivor's Day :)

In some ways I'm so proud to be a part of this event and in other ways I wish I never was a part of this "club"
But...
Gratitude to the Lord should overcome all other feelings...as it will bring me through.

...blessings to you all today.

Sunshine ahead! Bring it on!

Yesterday was 90 degrees outside and I returned home from work by about 3 ish. It was hot...it felt good...but then a hot flash hit and total lack of appetite had distracted my attention. Anyway I managed to drink 2 ensure shakes and have a little bit of pasta. Thank you so much Christina for caring for my kids while I am working this summer. She is amazing to come to my house at 6:30 am for me to get to work by 7.

I was on the beer cart at the golf course for most of my shift...it was comical...the breaks don't work on the cart that well and it kept stalling. I had no sunscreen (I know, I know...i will get some today) and was afraid I would be slow counting the money. All in all it was a learning experience and I didn't end up in a water hazard :)

This past week was school vacation and I felt like everyday was a never ending task list of driving the kids to babysitters and back to the club. We did manage to get them swimming twice (thank you Kim and Christina) and Emily played 18 holes with my mom on Friday. The weather will be nicer each week now so Ellie is desperate to play too. I actually got to play a week ago while the kids were at my in-laws. 7 holes anyway...about 8 whifs...but I was focusing on making contact with the ball and I was proud of my accomplishment. My left arm was sooooo sore though...i suppose it's good PT after the surgery.

I love the sunshine...i just want to drink it up...feel the heat on my body and let go of feeling frail and chilled to the bone all the time. That's all I have for an update...sorry it's on the fly but the kids are all waking up for the full day ahead and I can't be distracted. TTFN. Blessings to you all.

Little Things make you Grin

Life with 3D glasses...

Each bite is yummy!

Seconds please!
Mimi and the big girls :)

Proud mom gushing

I attended the school concert for my kids last night...here are some clips...I'm so proud of them.

PMA

This ringtone cracks me up! click on the orange arrow.
Positive metal attitude includes smiling every day...have fun!

Create free ringtones at Phonezoo

I finished my wool tote!

I look exhausted but I HAD to share this, because this week I finished a project that I had been working on for 3 years!
2 panels, a smaller panel for a pocket and one huge brown gusset that seemed to go on forever...but really only 84 inches. Felted the whole thing up this week and it took 3 cycles in the machine.
I LOVE IT!
Check out the buttons...I knitted them up with a finer yarn with a #2 needle and inserted old bottle caps to give it form...made cording with double pointed needles with the same variegated yarn and left them unfelted for a great contrast.
I needle felted the other side :)

Karen convinced me it needed to be lined so I used an old pair of corduroys and some green homespun for the liner...even got to use one of the pockets and a belt loop from the pants on the inside...I loved those pants before they ripped on me.

It felt good to create and complete a project...I am grateful to God for giving me the gift of creativity.

Inspiration for the day

Photo Shoot

I was asked to pose with the kids for Concord Hospital's Cancer Survivor Day "Save the date" card.

Here is the photo:

I offered my wall hanging for the event too...i hope they accept it...I would be so honored. I did all my radiation treatments here and they were excellent. I also adore Lisa from the Payson Center support services too. She was a true comfort during some difficult days.

Meet my friend Koryn

This is Koryn's story...a fellow etsymom and breast cancer survivor. She had her mastectomy the day after me but we've been crafters together through the internet and etsy community. We have walked together through much of recovery this fall. I applaud her courage to be video taped and share her story. Her blog can be found at Mother's Precious Gems.

I hope you also enjoy her story...with God all things are possible.
blessings, Jodi

Rescue Me

This song gives me hope today...I heard it in the car yesterday...take a pause in your day and listen and feel His Grace.

Daily meditaion thought

This is from the Courage to Change book for February 16th...it totally speaks to me today.

"We move from being at the mercy of any problem that comes along to an inner certainty that no matter what happens in our lives, we will be able to face it, deal with it and learn from it with the help of our Higher Power."

...In All Our Affairs

2 Wolves

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that
goes on inside all people. He said, 'My son, the battle is between two
'wolves' inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false
pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and
faith.'

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his
grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?'

The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'

Thanks to my friend for sending this to me in an email...it is so simple yet so profound at the same time.

My grandmother died this past weekend...I got to see her on Saturday and spend the afternoon with her going in and out of consciousness. It was heartwarming to see her become alert with her son's voices as they said her name and called out to her. I couldn't help but think of when this moment will happen in my life...when my children will be by my side saying good bye to me...I can only pray that I live to be 96 like Nana Kitty did. She was not in any pain nor distress, she looked very much at peace. It was quite an honor to be witness to the end of her life. She definitely fed the good wolf!

I have not been much up to writing here lately...sorry to be quiet...maybe it's that treatment is over...maybe it's the short days of winter...maybe it's the running around after a toddler all day long...i don't quite know. I'm trying to prioritize my tasks and hug the kids more. I'm trying to be less irritable and more patient. Most days are long and I am happy to lay down at night...though it's never alone for very long.

Sara got her hair cut...oh she looks like such a big girl now...so much of her young life has been wished away...I hope I can make it up to her someday. She sits in my lap now...I need to wrap this up...but know the suport you all have given to me is cherished daily.

Thanks Deedaloos (aka Kim) it was fun for all!

Deedaloos: HOLIDAYS & SNOW MAKE GREAT FAMILY FUN

check out Kim's post (click on words above) with pictures of cutting down our holiday tree with her family and the kids making cookies at her house one day during vacation while I had to go to radiation. I am so blessed to have amazing friends to see me and my family through this trying time of cancer.

Wigless

So here I am, the new wigless me...hair is growing back and i'm wearing my favorite sweater...i'm always so cold. I think I might like the hair-do better if it were warmer.
I never want to be bald again...EVER, EVER, EVER!!!

I am so darn tired...I thought I was tired before radiation started...well, this is "can't pick your head up off the back of the couch tired". I keep my happy face on for the kids...but it's very draining. I feel heavy and just going through the motions most days. Plus I got a horrible cold this week.

I want my enthusiasm for life back...i miss that about myself. But this is my journey...I am following God's lead.

I found a new favorite breakfast to eat, the nutritionist recommended it...vanilla yogurt, blueberries and walnuts...oh it's sooooo yummy...every calorie counts and I'm trying to drink ensure during the days too to add more calories to my diet.

I go to see the oncologist on Thursday and hopefully will hear all about my upcoming year of treatment...oral meds or whatever cancer patients do after the big guns of chemo, surgery and radiation.

I heard from a fellow survivor last week that her cancer is back after 4 years...it totally makes me nervous...how long do I have? will the cancer ever come back...??? I know I need to get to 2 years, then 5 and it's 50-50 of getting to 10 years without a recurrence ...Sara will only be 12 and em will be almost 19, ellie 17...they will still have so much life ahead of them...ellie and I have a thing...she says "99" and I say "66" that's how old I will be when she is 66...oh the stories I will tell when I'm 99...I hope they make my hair curl!!!

I am so grateful to all my family and friends for being so supportive...it's so necessary when you go through this disease to have cheerleaders on the side lines...some days it's hard to remember who you used to be.

Oh my skin is itchy...time to take some more zyrtec (radiation causes your skin to burn and itch horribly). The kids are playing pet shop and it's almost time to do reading and hit the pillow...last night we had everyone in bed by 7:30!!! Really, lights out...it was awesome...except I tried a night without my sleeping pill and I was up every 2 hours....but I was able to go back to sleep!!! I consider that a success!

Blessings!

What cannot be shaken may remain - Hebrews 12:27

I haven't fallen off the earth...although I've had moments when I wish I could. Well...maybe just crawl into a hole for a few days...

Storms, cold temperatures, kids being on vacation for 2 weeks, a toddler with a horrible cold, holidays and daily radiation have kept me away from cyberspace. I also hate to post without a picture...so here is my image today...it represents my state of mind and body...cold and vacantwhat an amazing visual design?!?!?...a play of light and dark....it's hard to tell how deep the cover of snow is...a thin crust of ice get's formed on top...

We as people do this...cover our true selves up and then develop thick crusts to protect our tender hearts. Our humanness often blows with the wind and our moods, tricking others into seeing what is and is not there.

I am comforted by the Hebrews passage, "what cannot be shaken may remain" (Hebrews 12:27). I want to be steadfast in my faith...choosing forgiveness and seeing what the eyes cannot see, choosing to find the light...but knowing that with the Grace of Christ Jesus all will be worked out.

I do struggle with patience though. *sigh*

Here is a pic of the kids on Christmas :)And here is a pic of Sara with her new AG Julie doll...in her custom boutique made to match Gymboree doll clothes from MaPetiteChou.com

She loves being "same-same" with her doll!Too cute!
And the fact that Julie has butterfly underwear is actually jump starting her potty training again...hooray!

I'm going to try to get a picture of me and my "long" hair...it's about 1/2" to 1" long now...

radiation has me exhausted but thanks to my church's meals ministry I am able to eat good healthy meals with the kids through the week. It's a wonderful gift these meals...I'm down to 115 pounds now and want to stop loosing weight and maybe try to put some pounds back on.

My skin is irritated, itchy and very sore...2 1/2 more weeks to go of daily treatments...then time to heal...and breath a sigh of relief that most of the treatment is over.

May the strength of Jesus help you all through your struggles...I say with confidence that He is my savior, God bless.

Read about my original diagnosis here.

Read about Art Therapy and how my children and I have managed Cancer in a past post here.