How long can one person sustain positive mental energy in the face of turmoil? For me it was about 7 months...i had a huge cry...yes the ugly face kind...this weekend, I was just so overwhelmed. I won't go into the details of it all but my type A personality, cancer, all 3 kids being home and one stubborn man had just pushed me over the edge. Then to also find out about radiation this week!
Did you know that you get permanently tattooed?!?!?!?!? I am still in shock, little dots get marked on your body so the radiation hits the exact locations each day (5 days a week for 6 weeks) and they may also give you a breathing apparatus so they control your breathing and force you to hold your breath, so your chest is also controlled at the same level each time....not that i found this out from the doctor (grrrr)...but from a fellow survivor, Sara that went through chemo with me (via cyberspace). It's been awesome to have Sara and Koryn (who had her mastectomy the day after me) to share these moments with.
a little backround info- I was ahead of sara with chemo, but she travels ahead of me with radiation and her surgery was months ago. We share experiences and tidbits of the process. I pray for them both each day...and know in my heart that we will all be survivors together!
So anyway, I got through my huge emotional melt down with ideas I learned from al-anon: Humility, gratitude and Faith. I know I can't control anyone else's behavior, i can't be judgemental or self-righteous...i am faced with only reacting positively or feeling desperate...I chose to rise up and see the blessings in the situation...taking a pain pill helped too.
JOY= Judge Only Yourself
I guess my heart is mending and filling in the gap of where my breast used to be. Learning to let go, detatch and meditate (listening to what God has to tell me) was very helpful. I chose this picture (above), which was taken from Loudon Country Club, because it shows a simple waterfall...the water is always flowing, eroding the rocks underneath. I watched a show on the National Geographic Channel this weekend about Niagra Falls.
It's mind boggling to me to imagine so many people trying to conquer the falls in barrels and try to win?! Is it about our will or God's will? Water can have such fury and power, just like Cancer.God works in my life the same way...eroding my old ways of doing things and evolving me into a better me. At least i hope so anyway :)
Blessings to you all...off to take a walk with my 2 year old to absorb some vitamin D *grin*.
Jodi, I'm so sorry you had such a difficult weekend. Please know that so many people care about you and pray for you (me included).
ReplyDeleteA big cyber hug to you!
Hang in there. I had a meltdown in between chemo and radiation. It gets better. And the tattoos are tiny. My husband can't even find them if I don't point him in the right direction. It seems overwhelming at first that you have to be there so often, but it becomes routine. And the next thing you know, you're done.
ReplyDeleteI grew up near the falls. It is mesmerizing when you stand near it and watch all that water. I never had an idea to go over it in a barrel, but it is a pretty amazing place.
ReplyDelete((((JODI))))) i think more of you now in the midst of humility than i did weeks ago with all of your strength ...WE ALL need to do the ugly cry from time to time it afterall makes us human! After we lost our home to hurricane katrina i remember after 8-9 months of being this wonderful chipper delightful strong faithful MOM-WOMAN-WIFE....i just broke down and it was not pretty at all! LOL... AT ALL.... thank GOD i can laugh at myself now but shew did it ever feel good to just get it all out! We can only be as strong as our weakness...Lord knows who said that one had too have been a man LOL I say when the plate is full Grab our favorite jimmy Choo's and a box of kleenex hide Away {if only for a moment} and make the ugly cry come to life! :) Lots of love and huge hugs and i will be thinking of you over the next few days! Love ALicia
ReplyDeleteMy husband didn't get tattooed during radiation. They just re-did the marks with sharpie marker every time he came in.
ReplyDeleteHe had his radiation on a different section of his body. Maybe that makes a difference.
Sending you hugs from Florida. I hope you had a beautiful walk with your kiddo. :)
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