i had a huge cry...yes the ugly face kind...this weekend, I was just so overwhelmed. I won't go into the details of it all but my type A personality, cancer, all 3 kids being home and one stubborn man had just pushed me over the edge. Then to also find out about radiation this week!
Did you know that you get permanently tattooed?!?!?!?!? I am still in shock, little dots get marked on your body so the radiation hits the exact locations each day (5 days a week for 6 weeks) and they may also give you a breathing apparatus so they control your breathing and force you to hold your breath, so your chest is also controlled at the same level each time....not that i found this out from the doctor (grrrr)...but from a fellow survivor, Sara that went through chemo with me (via cyberspace). It's been awesome to have Sara and Koryn (who had her mastectomy the day after me) to share these moments with.
a little backround info- I was ahead of sara with chemo, but she travels ahead of me with radiation and her surgery was months ago. We share experiences and tidbits of the process. I pray for them both each day...and know in my heart that we will all be survivors together!
So anyway, I got through my huge emotional melt down with ideas I learned from al-anon: Humility, gratitude and Faith. I know I can't control anyone else's behavior, i can't be judgemental or self-righteous...i am faced with only reacting positively or feeling desperate...I chose to rise up and see the blessings in the situation...taking a pain pill helped too.
JOY= Judge Only Yourself
I guess my heart is mending and filling in the gap of where my breast used to be. Learning to let go, detatch and meditate (listening to what God has to tell me) was very helpful. I chose this picture (above), which was taken from Loudon Country Club, because it shows a simple waterfall...the water is always flowing, eroding the rocks underneath. I watched a show on the National Geographic Channel this weekend about Niagra Falls. It's mind boggling to me to imagine so many people trying to conquer the falls in barrels and try to win?! Is it about our will or God's will? Water can have such fury and power, just like Cancer.
God works in my life the same way...eroding my old ways of doing things and evolving me into a better me. At least i hope so anyway :)
Blessings to you all...off to take a walk with my 2 year old to absorb some vitamin D *grin*.