Drain Free

I say those words but sing it to the song "Born Free" do you know that song? Here's a blast from the past for ya..


I always loved that song...but I digress...

I got my drains out today...so glad too because it was painful (I yelled really loud in the exam room that another nurse came into help, squeaky wheel gets the grease right?) and there's no telling how much more the skin would have secured itself to the tubing by Thursday...i know it's really gross...sorry, but cancer isn't pleasant....I'm having a hot flash while i write this...those haven't seemed to go away either...::sigh::

one more hurdle down though, onward and upwards! (I added the picture of the turtle for that symbol of perseverance...wish the turtle was facing towards the right though...well, i know I'm moving forward and not backwards.)

... friends are still coming to visit me, each one is an angel, and today a dear friend called first and we decided together that she didn't need to come as I was at the doctors and went to lunch with my dad...so i just wanted to rest for the afternoon....what a gift...to offer to not come by...if you are reading this and you are a friend of someone recovering from a cancer surgery, sometimes we need a break and also need to sit with our thoughts...it's ok...it's even healthy for us to sort through our emotions...my dad came back later with the kids which was really nice too...

Tomorrow I get to have dd#2 all to myself after school...she is going to sleep over...she's almost 7 and can help me make an easy supper and we are going to work on her turkey that she needs to do for school...it's a tag board image that we have to glue beans/pasta/rice to....it will be nice to do with just her and no one else...she's excited too. :)

So that's the update...radiation is the next big thing and physical therapy....the saga will continue...but just imagine...a year from now it will all be a memory....yae!

Time to be still, God is here, and all is well.

I have been so fortunate to have time to rest and have the kids be at my parents. So many wonderful friends and family have come by, to cook, clean and visit with me. I have a sleeping pill and although sore, manage to sleep through the night. My body is altered, deformed, but with the expander in and saline already in it...it appears ok...everything is going to be ok.

Dr. Rosenkranz called today....my pathology report is back....I'M CANCER FREE!!!! It's a weird thing...I knew it, my faith led me to believe...but at the same time I can't believe it to be true. It's so surreal. Today is a new day...a day to be an instrument of God and make a difference to people. I'm born again...Free to be who God intended me to be.

Alleluia, praise His name, Lord, Jesus Christ. I am so gratful and humble for all the blessings He has bestowed onto me.

Totally a work in progress...still!

So here is my wall hanging so far...it's quilted, and embellished but needs a binding, more beading and free hand painting or rubber stamped texture/words to express even more depth of what i was trying to convey. Faith, Believing in the Father, Surrendering to the Holy Spirit in ALL things. To firmly grasp your roots and hang on for dear life, to drink from the puddles that come forth from the rain of God. Let the rain fill your soul with mercy and humility. Surrender to a place of safety and tolerance where one can heal and then re-emmerge to be who they are destined to be, to be who I am destined to be. To be who God intended you to be so that you may indeed help others along their journey. I so hope to pay all this forward some day soon!here is the old and the new MRI's side by side. The MRI on the left side of the picture is the old one from april...you can see the white contrast material is on the right breast, this is the 3+ inch tumor.

Now, you must take a moment to understand that it takes a tumor 10 years to reach 1 cm....mine was over 8!!!...the right image is the MRI taken after the 6 cycles of chemotherapy. The mass is clearly gone and the lymph nodes are all but non exisitant. I still needed the surgery but now surgery should be less messy and less intensive to remove the tumor/mass from my left breast.

So surgery yesterday was far easier...they did do a radical mastectomy and removed 2 levels of lymph nodes. They put in the expander for future reconstruction and added 250 cc of saline to it. another 100 cc of saline will be added next week. I'm lopsided, sore, and very out of it. Here are some more pics of my team...

Dr kaufman, my oncologist, this was taken right before discharge...i look like hell warmed over!Now here is my surgeon, Dr. Rosenkranz...she looks and is like someone that I could go have cocktails with. She's bubbly and straight forward. She is very sharp in her understanding of the disease but treats me like an individual which is priceless!Here is Dr. Collins, she is my plastic surgeon...she will now be the one taking over my care along with her entourage...all those residents that follow behind her coat tails. She is the one that calmed my nerves about having a double vs. a single mastectomy. She said, once it's gone, it's gone...you will be monitored and scanned so much to look for any new abnormalities, but rushing to do a double mastectomy under stress isn't smart. So I agreed. She's so wonderful to give me the gift of time. She also removed a small cyst from my left jawline.

Here is me with my folks, Bill and Sandy...they were with me through it all...that's what parents do, God bless them and their determiation...oh my goshums...my girls better not ever put me through all what I have put them through...but come hell or high water...i will be right by their side through it all.From the bottom of my heart, thank you to my family, friends, doctors and everyone inbetween that prayed for me and held my hand and made sure i didn't miss a meal :) You all know who you are....and it really does take a village...

I feel like i can say that I am moving along in this journey with new courage and new stamina as well as a new quest for who I am going to become. With the Lord as my shepherd, I will surely find my way! Blessings to you all.

And this too shall pass...

I leave today for the drive up to the medical center as I have to be there very early in the morning. My parents are taking me and staying with me until Tuesday when I will be discharged. Not sure what to expect or what condition I will be in...keep posting here and please keep phone calls to a minimum as i recover. I believe a friend will post my status in the next day or so.

Chemo was bad, I never want to go through that again...this is going to be under anesthesia (which is good) and then each day i'll heal...every few weeks I'll get saline added to the expander and next summer another surgery...but that is very far off...in the mean time I'll have daily radiation to keep me occupied this winter.
My parents will be in the waiting room for 3-5 hours...my prayers are with them as they struggle to help me in so many ways. Thanks be to God for having me move to be close to them.

My children will be with friends and my gratitude is with those that will be watching them for me as well. Amazing women (and a great guy) are all around us...but we have to work at relationships...i don't have sisters and I really consider many of my friends to be lifers...sisters in a sense...I do hope to pay all this attention that they have heaped onto me forward to another friend some day. Just hope it's for a better situation and not cancer.

The small wall quilt above is a piece my middle DD did these past couple of months. We worked on it together but she lead the process. She calls it "Sunshine" and she has identified all the flowers to be "mommy and her girls" (mommy is the biggest). Kids are amazing...this is such a great visual hug from afar, I guess I'm doing something right?
blessings to all, as always.

The mail came...

Guess what came in the mail today??? My mastectomy date...whoo hoo
October 27...i'm in shock...teary...it's really happening....Crap!

It's like trying to avoid eating the forbidden fruit...it will happen...ultimately...and I will have new enlightenment because of it...life with be harder because of it...the fall from grace can't be fun...kwim?
I need to seriously read scripture today...during nap time...i'm emotional and feeling very scared.