Then you "stand" by rascal flatts

Love, Love, Love this song by rascal flatts...

I listened, REALLY listened, to it today on the way home from the oncology appointment...this video could have been better but the ending is good with the words to encourage...but try to not be distracted with the imagery so much...just shut your eyes and listen.

I was discouraged today, not by results, but just the long drive and having to go...i want the chapter to close and put my life back together and find the new normal...i feel kinda like the break dancer that spins on his head in the video...or the girl who throws the piano chair in a fit...each time I go back only to be told...things are fine...or your labs appear fine...is so frustrating...can't i go back to living unaware...checking in once a year? I can see how follow up with cancer survirors is difficult....it wears you out and you feel like what's the point...it (the cancer) is gone...but then another appointment is scheduled and you are reminded of the reality...that it (the cancer) could come back at any point...not that you are supposed to live with that reality...heaven forbid you walk around with a black cloud over your head...positive thoughts will keep it away...right?...living in denial is easier said than done when you are brought back to the smell of the infusion room...I walk by it each time I go to the hospital...it makes me sick to my stomach all over again.

...but doctor kaufman tells me checking my blood work monthly is needed...and how can I be so ungrateful, is impetuous a good word to use?...how can I be so ungracious...last summer I faced chemo...and this summer I don't...that's a good thing...but I guess it's all part of the grieving process we "Survivors" go through...my anger is leaking...

...but better that it get out of me...I surrender...Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done...those words are a hard pill to swallow some days...

enjoy the song...blessings, Jodi